The Things I Chose to Forget

April 3, 2021

By Sara Nichols

My last memories of her are the ones in her hospital bed Barely alive but not quite dead The wires and machines were breathing for her Everything else was just a big blur She couldn’t even recognize me or who I was And the huge ball inside her lungs, was the whole entire cause

I wish I could remember the last words she spoke Or the happy things before every noise she made was a croak But all I remember is the gloomy, sad, and terrible stuff That i’m almost starting to forget who my mom really was But people have told me that those memories weren’t really my mom It was just the cancer taking over her lungs

My real mom was the happiest person you would ever meet And she would know just how to comfort me in my times of grieve But sadly the grieve is only for her And she is not here now to show me the path to take or road or curve

That day was a sad one, or should I say month Or week or year it was all just a ton A ton of bad stuff within the same time frame And me just wondering if my life was ever going to be the same

That month she was continuously in and out of the hospital Making my hopes go up and down little by little She started to gain weight and I knew it was getting bad Then she couldn’t drive me and my sister or dad then doctors said it was spreading to her brain All this information made me go insane

I used to fall asleep crying into my sweater Wondering if my mom would ever get better Then i started to come to terms with the fact, That it probably was going to end, soon and fast I spent months trying not to believe her, Reminding her she would get better But even she knew That the time was coming too soon She cried most nights as well But only because she didn’t want her daughters to dwell

After the weight gain and the revoking of her license, She got a wheelchair which really made me realize Everything was going to change And nothing was going to be normal again

That month in the hospital people drove by They came to say their last goodbyes But they didn’t understand anything I was feeling Because they weren’t losing their mother or best friend that season They were losing a woman, a very close friend Who was joyful and amazing and made people laugh until the end But it wasn’t okay for me, because even though those people showed grief They probably don’t think about her every week

But I do, I think about her hourly I think about the good days and the ones that made her a different person entirely But i’m writing this to bring out the sadness and crying And hopefully to come to terms with everything that’s happening I don’t want to forget who my mom was entirely Because that would be the worst thing to ever happen in history But I at least want to disregard the terrible and sad memories Because that wasn’t really my mom, it was just the enemy

So even though all those days in the hospital really sucked And seeing her near heaven is trauma I want to abduct I will remember how my mom really was beautiful and amazing yet And forget the things I chose to forget