July 19, 2014

Last week I went with my oldest daughter to the movies and saw “The Fault in Our Stars”, what a great movie. Coincidentally the next day was my first year cancer free anniversary and I was happy to “revive” many feelings on that day after watching this movie. I felt so connected to both of the main characters and felt like each one represented a side of me through this “fight”. One side is very optimist and strong, confronting cancer without fear, with the eyes on the future and greatness of life. The other, bitter and angry just wanting this shitty time in life to pass by quickly and unnoticed, living in agony, dreading the day my husband and kids have to wake up to face life without my love and care. One side lifts me up the other brings me down. I don’t know if every survivor deals with the same duality but I often do and is just one of the many predicaments that cancer has invited into my life.

The same day my daughter posted a sweet message on facebook honoring the strength that a cancer survivor needed to celebrate one year cancer free, she also confessed that for a long time she lived in denial telling herself that after I recovered life was going to be the same, that cancer was like a cold that will not have an impact in her life; however now she recognizes the fight, the new life that survivors decide to live every morning as we wake up and she admires that. I am proud and happy for her, for embracing life and find courage to smile, to live, to enjoy with me the time that God still gives me with her.

You know, survivors we are just not the same. We are not the same we were. We are not the same than other moms, sisters, daughters, uncles or grandpas. We are a unique kind. What it used to be terrible it just became bearable what was amazing now is another blessing in disguise. Life has a different taste. Mornings feel better, even Mondays. When we are mad at God we want to shout and we cry. Most of the time we will do it on our own but when we get that out we are driven, we are indestructible, we are fearless.

Our families, our children, our parents our spouse, they are amazing too. They have found the hope in our eyes, in the little light we give them to keep walking with us everyday. They are faithful and strong even with the horrible voice in the back of their mind that keeps reminding them that soon we could be gone.

Is hard to understand why they call it a fight if you have not seen it in person, but now I do understand. It is a fight against fear, against discouragement, against negativity. It is the fight against cancer, but not only in your body but in your mind and soul.

Survivors, stay strong you are not alone.