Today when I was driving to my counseling appointment I was thinking that in a couple of weeks I have my scanning tests again. I felt overwhelmed when I evaluated the fact that I needed to do this kind of exams for about five years more at least twice a year. It is not that the test itself is painful or difficult but it is this giant reminder that I am always at risk. So, even though as time goes by and I fight the fears and anger of having been slapped by cancer while it completely changed my life when I finally get up to face life and feel so close to recover, the test day comes again and I can’t stop the anxiety that fills my heart. Then, a new view (I think from Heaven) comes to my mind and helps me reflect on how five years are nothing compared to a life time of health and happiness next to my family, bringing a new perspective to help me release the anxiety of my heart.
It is difficult to see my life almost completely stopped, feeling that for over a year I have had to fully devoted myself to recover my body and things that where a big part of me like being a mom or a professional had to be reduced to a bare minimum. However, I do appreciate the new perspective that I have gained about life and spirituality, and the awesome feeling of victory that comes when you are able to get up again.
The road to recovery is not easy, in cancer patients it is even more challenging because we have to learn that a cure has not been found and the risk of a relapse is always present. I have chosen to enjoy my life, to live every day as if it was my last. Last week I started school again and I am working to build a new career, one that I can develop with the abilities that I have now. I decided that I will not duel on the past anymore, on what I was or had but rebuilding a new, happy, strong me.
When I came out of my brain surgery, I was very happy, just the fact that I was still alive gave me the motivation to make it through the treatment and to fight the negative thoughts. I couldn’t understand why in the past I let so many things bother me or why I had settle for being unhappy, even though I had so much. I couldn’t understand why for so many years I kept resentment and pain. Now, as I go back to a more regular life, again life problems try to put me down but I want to remember every day for the rest of my life the feeling I had every morning after my surgery of being excited just because I was waking up and was going to enjoy my children one more time.