When my daughters have faced difficulty I don’t remember ever choosing the most valuable lesson if it implies a minimum level of pain. My first reaction when they face a challenge is to protect them, change the course of danger as far as I can and hope that it will never come around again. It is a reflection of love, going through fire doesn’t seem like a valuable lesson when we have to face it but it is just because we forget that the most important part of trial is triumph and that no one can take that away from us. Today I was wondering how many times trying to protect my family I actually have taken their blessings away, the possibility to grow, to understand that we are sons and daughters of an almighty God.
When I went back home after my first test before my diagnose I explained to Maria that they had found a little ball in my lung but that it was nothing worth of worry. I took that situation and reduced it to its minimum level. However I think the Lord has been a lot more fair to me than that because He has gave me an urgent feeling about this since the day I received my first blood test. I believe He has allowed me to see the real risk and the possibility that is in front of me to die because of this disease, but He doesn’t leave me hanging with that feeling instead He has surrounded me with an overwhelming grace that has filled me with faith.
God loves me a million times more than I could ever love my children yet He has allowed me to go through dark moments in this process when I have been scared and mourned inconsolably. When I come out of that dark hall that does not seem to have end or hope I have something inside of me that no one or nothing can take, my faith in God, mi strengh, my trust, the certainty that many things are temporary but just one will be with me for eternity. I don’t know if I could have the same certainty if my life had been just a smooth valley where pain is never faced.
Through this past week I have met every morning with a group of brave and fighters. Each morning I arrive at 6:30 am to receive my radiotherapy in a clinic full with people that have probably received over the past months the most difficult news of their lives, however when I walk into that room I cant see sadness or pain. It is a room full of strength and hope, most of the time everyone is smiling and are telling stories full with miraculous events that even though can seem mythological are stories full of truth. You cant help wonder where so much optimism and happiness comes from in a place where you expect to find just pain, but it is precisely just that, when we are able to see that difficulties are not threats but opportunities. An opportunity to realize you have more than you think, that the past doesn’t have to chase you anymore, that those things overwhelming you this morning are small compared to the enormous possibilities that you have in front of you to be happy.
This was a tough week, I faced a physical, emotional and spiritual battle but today I am coming out in victory because I understood that there is just one difference between those who live happy and those who never get to be. The difference is a decision. A decision to persevere through difficulties, to smile, to appreciate everything you have and everything you don’t, but more than anything a decision to believe and not let anyone take that from you.
These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. (1 Peter 1:7 NIV)
November 19, 2012
I started my second chemotherapy cycle today so it will be all this week plus next Monday. I still have radiotherapy daily until December. I am feeling great but sometimes it is overwhelming to think of the long road that is still ahead of me so your prayers for me and my family are greatly appreciated. Thank you for the sweet emails, calls, pins, visits and all the love that has been sent to me during this time. I have learned more than ever the value of friendship and family. Just this weekend one of my very special childhood friends Andrea Gomez flew to Bogota and gave me an awesome afternoon. I’m also grateful for my friend Briana Snow Beckwith and my sweet mother in law that Tina G Nichols that keep me busy through chat for the six boring hours I have to do chemo. Thank you to my mom Myriam Blanco that is taking care of my babies during those hours and my adorable husband Scott Nichols for working hard everyday to make sure I have a great insurance and supplying all the needs we have had. Love you all, you are keeping me strong!
December 20, 2012
I recently had the opportunity to donate my hair before it fell down to a beautiful 18 year old girl that suffers from an aggressive ovarian cancer. She is strong in faith but struggles financially and doesn’t know until when she will be able to receive chemo because she does not have insurance. Please pray for Sirley, her smile made me feel pretty happy about losing my hair . Here she is using my hair.
January 12, 2013
I have come to understand that our ability to fix this world’s problems is limited but the grace and hope that Christ gives us is not! So I am always seeking for that miracle that is the response to my prayers. That is what keeps me going.
April 18, 2013
I had cancer; be happy for me. I got closer than ever to my friends and family even those around the world. Many of them called constantly just to say I love you. It made me feel important. I saw the kindness and compassion of strangers every where. I forgave people and let go of pain that held me back from being happy. I learned how strong I am not only physically but emotionally. I confirmedmy beliefs. I took care of my body better than I ever did before and learned that I have to always do that not only when I am sick. My family learned to survived without me and showed me that I can also stay back and let them grow and take care of me. My kids understand now that yes life is fragile but that should only push us to live stronger not ever hold us back. I confirmed that my marriage was a great decision; you need someone to depend on because one day you will fall and you need your other half to pick up your pieces. I had the opportunity to be my mommies little girl again and let her take care of me. I decide to take over dreams that I had long forgotten. Most importantly I survived and can give hope to many that are today hearing their sad news from an oncologist and feel their world is falling apart. So be happy for me next Thursday is my last chemotherapy.
April 25, 2013
Done. 33 radio therapies and 28 chemo therapies completed. Very thankful with God, my friends and family for walking with me through this very difficult time. Now is time to celebrate!
July 31, 2013
Thank you God for another year! I have always been a strong determined person and have choose tough roads but this journey I am on has challenged every thought, feeling and believe that crossed my mind in the past. I will say that my gift this year is that I have a stronger believe in love and life. I had a year full of difficulty that was exceeded by the love and kindness that surrounded me. In my spiritual search I always questioned How big His love and companionship could really be and when I had to be in the darkest place it was amazing to understand and feel that God’s love and presence ARE more than enough. Also, all your life, you question and try to figure out relationships with your love ones, how simple they look when things get this bad, they love you, you love them. More than enough. So here we go for another year full of victories in recovering the strength in my body but to never forget that what moved me when even my body wanted to quit was the strength in my soul, pushed, supported in the pillar that is my relationship with God.